Singing Happy Birthday to the Boy

And his first taste of cake!

At Ben's Request

Ben wanted to make sure I posted a picture of the whole tractor cake. His wish is my command (thanks to Elissa getting a good shot of it!).

Guilt

I have long believed that guilt is wasted emotional energy and have, until now, done a pretty good job of managing to not waste my emotional energy in this way. However, I'm finding it very difficult these days to cope with those creeping feelings of guilt. For the last couple of weeks I've been working very hard to reach a work deadline while preparing Dexter's first birthday party. I feel tremendous pressure to produce quality work for a lot of reasons, the most salient being that I take pride in my work (always have). That being said, I also very much want to provide Dexter the nurturing and love he deserves as well as truly experience motherhood so that we both have more than just photographs as memories of his early childhood. To top it off I went to the doctor yesterday and he made clear what I already knew - I need to take better care of myself. I'm at a loss as to how to balance these things and remain true to myself. I feel guilty when I'm at home working on the computer and Dexter is fussing for attention. I feel guilty when I have to shift my work schedule so that I can get Dexter to the doctor. And I feel guilty every time I choose coffee over a meal to get me through my day. I think the real fear for me now is realizing that this situation is not just a "crunch" that I can power through but that I am going to have to really figure out a way of living that more or less balances all of these things over the long haul. Wish me luck.